Pushing through the discomfort

I often joke that if I had the choice to travel down a hard road or an easy one, I’d be easing on down the easy road every time.  This research methods class that I’m enrolled in now at Trinity University is very difficult.  It's giving me a lot of angst and making me uncomfortable.  Today, my online forum work was about content analysis.  I viewed a video that showed research about how people are not really motivated to work harder at their jobs when they received bonuses.  People are more motivated by things such as meaningful duties, creativity, challenges, ownership, identity, and pride.  These things were more motivational for working hard than money.  Also contributing to society and making an impact were more rewarding.

While I personally know this to be true, there is something deep inside of telling me to quit this class; it’s too hard.  I’m losing sleep, I can’t compete.  I’m in over my head.  I have felt this many times during my tenure at Trinity and what seems to motivate me is earning an ‘A’ at the end of each course.  I believe I’m having internal struggles with my inner child.  Today little Liz put up a good fight; kicking, screaming, and temper tantrums.  But I’m in control and I say we must push pass the pain; take some Advil if needed, and finish this race.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I’m an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

 

Prayer and Mediation to Stay on Track

Step eleven in ACOA is to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understand God.  Some adult children pray for wholeness during meditation, asking their Higher Power for clarity.  I try to begin and end each day with mediation, prayer, and encouraging positive messages.  I’m continuing to keep resolutions I made to myself in 2015 of giving up people pleasing and negative people.  However, since old habits die hard, I find that I have to keep up my daily prayer and meditation ritual to stay on track.

As an ACOA, I have the tendency to want to be all things to all people; the go-to person; the one you can depend on, and one that can resolve any problem.  The problem with that is that it’s exhausting.  An even bigger problem is when I began to push back from those who attempt to drain me of my money, knowledge, talent and time their reaction is surprising.  They became angry with me and accused me of not being a good friend. 

When this happened, I felt hurt and betrayed; even used.  So I discontinued my relationship with these people.  Now I feel liberated.  My writing coach explained that these people are frogs; sitting around on their lily pads all day croaking (complaining).  I am a swan, and I need to be with other swans so that I can learn how to spread my wings and begin to soar.  My daily prayer is getting me closer reaching new heights.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I’m an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

I Am Changing

Today is my birthday.  For years on my birthday I used to always criticize myself for not being where I thought I should be in life by a certain time.  According to my self-imposed barometer, I always missed the mark.  I judged myself harshly, which I just recently learned so late in life is what Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) typically do.  Understanding has been liberating, but I need more.  I need to change or the knowledge I am gaining about myself is all for nothing; a waste of time.  I loved the movie Dream Girls with Jennifer Hudson in the role of Effie White.  Some of the lyrics to the song she sings “I Am Changing” speak to me.

             I am changing, trying every way I can.

I am changing, I’ll be better than I am.

I am trying to find a way to understand.

But I need you, I need you, I need a hand.

ACOA has really helped me open up more and realize that it’s all right to need help and ask for help.  It’s even better when you receive help.  I am learning that there is a better way to live.  It’s okay to be self-sufficient, but it’s also okay to be a part of a community to share your burdens when needed.  The song goes on to say:

             All of my life, I’ve been a fool.

Who said I can do it all alone?

How many good friends have I already lost?

And how many dark nights have I known?

Walking down that wrong road, there was nothing I could find.

All those years of darkness can make a person blind.

Well, today is my birthday; my 54^th birthday.  And I am thankful to be walking down the right road; out of darkness and into the marvelous light.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I’m an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

Don't criticize me

There is something that I personally need to work on in 2016, and that’s not letting what I perceive as personal criticism get under my skin.  Over the weekend, I made a decision about what my research paper topic would be for my senior seminar class at Trinity University and submitted to my professor.  When I mentioned it to a friend, this person said that the topic was too easy for me, and that my mother could probably write the paper.  Now this person believes that I am a smart person so I could have taken the comment as a compliment, but I didn’t.  I was ticked.  The physiological feeling that I experienced was a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, and a rise in body temperature (probably a hot flash).  I also felt defensive. 

I’m sure my reaction had something to do with being ACOA but I wasn’t sure how.  I believe this was a throwback reaction to how I felt as a child when my parents seemed to shoot down every idea I had; everything I wanted to do, or every occupation I considered pursuing when I became an adult.  I remember being talked out of wanting to become a journalist because my parents didn’t think it a practical profession.  If I wanted to participate in some social event, they had a list of reasons why I could not attend.  I felt defeated and gave up expressing my wants and needs to them.  I became the good daughter and thus, never focused much me anymore.  Now when I do stand up for myself, I feel guilty.  This is ridiculous, I know, but it’s so ingrained it’s automatic.  Now when I think someone is criticizing what I’m doing, I feel like that young girl who so wanted to stomp her foot and scream at her parents and say, “no I don’t want to do that, I want to do what I want to do.”

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins, and I’m an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.