I grew up with an alcoholic father whom I both loved and hated at the same time. I loved the man, but hated the alcoholism. He could not really function without having a drink. An introvert by nature and suffering with low self-esteem, my father drank to ease his anxiety and hide his insecurities. With lower inhibitions, he could be more relaxed; especially in social situations. The drink also gave him courage to stand up for himself; even if it meant getting into arguments and saying hurtful things.
I loathed his drinking and the person he became when drunk. I promised myself that I would never be a drunk. But am I really any different? Taking a deep look inside, I find that I too am introverted, uncomfortable in most social situations, and suffered with low self-esteem for many years. But instead of turning to booze, I use food. When I'm anxious, I eat. The primary culprits are cookies and potato chips, which floods my brain with dopamine and makes me happy.
Just as junk food leads to powerful cravings, so does alcohol. This is what happened to my father. I'm now sorry for judging him so harshly. Addiction is a disease, for which professional help is needed to overcome.
Hi, I'm Liz Hawkins and I'm an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.
My ACOA Life
Thursday, April 13, 2017
Thursday, April 6, 2017
Wanting Change
Part of my journey
as a recovering ACOA is trying to become more transparent. This isn’t easily. Growing up under a cloud of shame and pain caused
my heart to become hard as a child. I
pretended my father was not an embarrassing ‘fall down’ drunk. I did this by ignoring him as much as
possible. And to the outside world, I
pretended that my family life was ‘normal’.
This façade followed me into adulthood and became a metaphorical mask
that I have wore for decades.
I now trying to
live my life with an unveiled face. This
process is hard because it requires me to be exposed; not pretending, not
acting like I’ve got it all together, not watering down where I have been, or
like it was no big deal. Although I want
to change, I still struggle in many areas in my life. But through prayer I know I will be
victorious.
Hi, I’m Liz
Hawkins and I’m a recovering Adult Child of an Alcoholic.
#ACoAAwareness
@TrinityUniv
Thursday, March 30, 2017
I Am My Own Best Friend
Adult Children of
Alcoholics tend to cater to needs of others rather themselves. It began in childhood when we always had to
care for our alcoholic parent. For me it
was my father who was the alcoholic. I
worried about him when he was drunk. Would he heat up food on the stove then pass out at the kitchen table
leaving the food to burn - even worst burn down the house. Things like
this were real concerns for me and caused me great anxiety.
I’m ready to focus on
myself - do special things just for me.
Giving to others and withholding from myself doesn’t work for me
anymore. Today I affirm that I will encourage,
support and congratulate myself. Put
myself first for a change and be my own best cheerleader.
Unlearning the old habits from my past will
require real effort on my part but I’m up for the task.
Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I’m
a recovering Adult Child of an Alcoholic.
#ACoAAwareness
#Innerlook
Thursday, March 23, 2017
Discovering my true self
According
to Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist, the most abstract human need is
self-actualization. Maslow defined
self-actualization as fully developing and using our unique “talents,
capacities, and potentialities.” To achieve
this, we need to refine the talents that we have already developed to some degree,
while we also cultivate new potentials in ourselves.
It took
me a very long time before I began to enter into self-actualization. Growing up in a dysfunction home with an
alcoholic father and ACOA mother stunted my emotional growth. I was always tended to the needs of my
parents and others – never putting myself and my needs first.
Thankfully,
through knowledge and understanding about what it means to be an ACOA I am
finally on my way to discovering who I was always meant to be.
Hi, I’m
Liz Hawkins and I’m a recovering adult child of an alcoholic.
#ACoAAwareness
#InterpersonalCommunication
Thursday, March 16, 2017
Choosing My Attitude
My work
environment is extremely tense. There
are few people employed to do all the work that is required. My co-worker came to me upset about some
things and I just took it all in stride.
She wanted to know why I was so calm.
I simply realized that I can only do so much, and if I know I’m doing
the very best that I can that’s all that matters.
As an
ACOA, I’m prone to become anxious or depressed when things get out of
control. But I’ve learned that I have
the power to choose my own attitude no matter what the circumstances. My ability to choose the attitude I will take
puts something into my hand that can change the way I experience my own life.
Today, I
experience a rare serenity: the state of being calm, peaceful, and
untroubled. And I remember the serenity
prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
Hi, I’m
Liz Hawkins and I’m a recovering Adult Child of an Alcoholic.
#ACoAAwareness
#ACoAAwareness
Thursday, March 9, 2017
Understanding the past to change the future
As an
ACOA, denial has been a major part of my life.
I have always been uncomfortable with change and made concerted efforts
to leave the past in the past.
Unfortunately, these methods have not served me well over the years. Because I didn’t recognize or admit that my father’s alcoholism had any effect on me, I fell into the common trap of seeking a partner just like my father. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing expecting a different outcome. When I look back on my ‘insanity’ years, I shudder.
However, there is no sense beating myself up over my past mistakes. The past cannot be changed. However, the past must be studied and understood so that the same poor choices are not repeated. So now instead of trying to put the past behind me I learn from it so I can change my future.
Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins, and I’m a recovering Adult Child of an Alcoholic.
Unfortunately, these methods have not served me well over the years. Because I didn’t recognize or admit that my father’s alcoholism had any effect on me, I fell into the common trap of seeking a partner just like my father. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing expecting a different outcome. When I look back on my ‘insanity’ years, I shudder.
However, there is no sense beating myself up over my past mistakes. The past cannot be changed. However, the past must be studied and understood so that the same poor choices are not repeated. So now instead of trying to put the past behind me I learn from it so I can change my future.
Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins, and I’m a recovering Adult Child of an Alcoholic.
Thursday, March 2, 2017
With God's Help I can Overcome
After
years of denial, I finally came to terms with the fact that my father was
indeed an alcoholic. This means he had
an addiction, another term that I never before acknowledged applied to him
until recently.
I have
also learned that consuming alcohol is not the only substance that one can be
addicted to. I now acknowledge that I too
have an addiction. I am addicted to
sugary and salty snacks. As we enter the
season of Lent I decided to give up candy and chips, two of my favorite things. It’s only been a day and I’m already
struggling.
I am
thankful to have my spirituality as a helpful component in dealing with my
addiction. And with God’s help I can
overcome it.
Hi, I’m
Liz Hawkins and I’m an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.
#ACoAAwareness
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