So What’s Good about being ACoA?

Sometimes I get sick and tired of the negative characteristics of being an offspring of an alcoholic.  We have to be more than just a sad face hiding behind a mask.  Some of the negative characteristics are children of alcoholic tend to lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth; they don’t cope well with change; they have a hard time expressing their needs; they tend to be indecisive, the list goes on.  Do ACOAs have any good characteristics?

Amy Eden, author of Adult-Child Issues, Raise Yourself Up offers that we can take those negative characters and use them for good.  We can even change the world by realizing that we are tough, imaginative, sensitive, and creative.

An online article entitled What’s Your Great Asset provides 5 strengths of an ACOA:

We can empathize:  We are exceptional listeners.  We’ve spent so many years thinking about the feelings of other, before ourselves, that we’re deeply talented at putting ourselves in other people’s shoes.

We are independent:  Because we didn’t think highly of the authority figures in charge of us for so many years, we’ve got lots of opinions about how to run things.

We are creative:  So many children of alcoholics go into the arts.  They are actors, writers, and painters.  Our sensitivity – to animals, to people in pain – gives us a third eye and ear that allows us to see and hear the realities of the human condition.

We are resilient:  We are survivors.  We are growing, healing, and redefining our futures.  Resilience is the ability to recover from insult or injury.

We are calm:  Children of alcoholics would make great emergency room doctors, nurses, paramedics, or fire fighters.  We are hard to shock, and we can stay calm in the midst of chaos.

This list makes me feel like less of a freak and more like a regular person.  Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I’m a recovering Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

#ACoA_Awareness

Breaking the chains

It saddens me that I have wasted so much of my life being bound by the chains of ACOA family dysfunction.  When I think back when I was elementary school, my teachers often commented on my report card that: Elizabeth is not working at her full potential.

I was an under-achiever because I was hiding under the shame of my dysfunctional family structure.  I never wanted to attract attention to myself.  I never wanted stand out or be singled out.  I downplayed my talents and dummied down my intelligence.  I just wanted to fit in and be normal.  The problem was - I didn't know what normal looked like. 

To be honest, I haven’t changed much.  But being introduced to the Adult Children of Alcoholics Organization has really helped me understand the effects of growing up with an alcoholic parent.  That’s why I am advocating for a national awareness day.  There are adults now in their 20s, 30s, 40s, even 50s and beyond that don’t realize they are ACOA.  An awareness day could make a difference in their lives. 

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins, and I’m a recovering Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

#myacoalife

#ACoA_Awareness

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Have Fun

Growing up with an alcoholic father and an ACOA mother placed a high burden of responsibility on me and I was constantly seeking approval.  This has stayed with me throughout my adulthood.  I tend to be oversensitive to the needs of others; my self-esteem seems to come from other people’s judgments, and I seem to have a need for perfectionism and acceptance.

I also find it hard to completely relax.  Even when everything is going great, I’m usually worrying about something.  However, I cherish those rare moments when I can completely be in the moment, relax and be myself.  One such moments came recently when I attended my grand-nephew’s first birthday party. 

Ever since I began to understand what it means to be ACOA, I am learning to have fun like my life depends on it.  For ACOAs this is really hard to do.  The truth is, living with an alcoholic is the most boring thing you will ever do.  All that burden of responsibility, being on edge 24/7, having to be the sensible one, the entire time.  It’s exhausting.
I pledge to myself to make more time for fun activities and unburden myself from the past.  Letting my hair down won’t turn me into my alcoholic parent; it will release me from the responsibility trap it put on me.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I am a recovering Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

#myacoalife

Stop Beating Myself Up

One of my favorite songs is called Don’t Let Me Get Me by Pink.  The first line in the chorus: Don’t let me get me.  I’m my own worst enemy, really speaks to me.  I feel like I get in my own way because of lack of faith in myself. 

I spend more time regretting things that I’ve done or decisions I’ve made because I don’t seem to trust myself or trust my instincts.  For example, back in March I was signed up for a Media Ethics course at Trinity University.  The class description looked tedious and talked myself out of taking the class; so I dropped it.  I’ll take my final two courses in the fall, I rationalized.  I was signed up for economics and another course when in August the University informed me that I was not required to take the economics class.  I could have kicked myself.  If I’d only taken that Media Ethics class in March, I would have been finished taking all my required courses for graduation.

Author Peter Shallard wrote, if you beat yourself up, or if you think you’re not doing good-enough, or if you constantly feel like you’ve got under-utilized potential then you don’t trust yourself.  It’s true.  I seem to be terrified to allow myself to feel good.  Shallard says that we are afraid that if we do feel good, our motivational drive will disappear.  We don’t trust we will still want to create, give or grow.

The challenge for me is to find a way to break the self-perpetuating cycle that I’ve created of stress and anxiety to ensure I never get to the happy place.  That way I can finally stop beating myself up; give myself a break and be happy.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I’m a recovering Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

#myacoalife

#generationaladdictions

The Neutral Character

I used to think that being a neutral person was a good thing.  It seemed to keep me on the path of non-resistance, where I felt safe.  And it helped me to avoid conflict, which I detest.  When I became a writer I found that the 'neutral character' did not seem to be a good idea.  This character doesn’t feel strongly one way or the other when it comes to good versus evil or law versus chaos. 

Growing up in an alcoholic home, one of my first successful coping mechanisms was isolation.  I could play by myself for hours; engrossed in my own perfect make believe world.  As a recovery ACOA I’m learning that neutrality hinder growth and isolation is both a sanctuary and a prison.  As a result, I now sometimes find myself suspended between fight or flight; agonizing in the middle, and resolving the tension by explosive bursts of rebellion or by silently enduring the despair.

Moving from neutrality and isolation is the first step an Adult Child must make in recovery.  They have been my security blanket for so long that I am finding it difficult to release.  But I am changing with God's help.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins, and I’m a recovering Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

#myacoalife
#generationaladdictions

Receiving is harder than giving

I grew up hearing idioms such as: it's better to give than to receive.  I supposed the reason for this was to safeguard me from becoming a selfish, self-centered person.  However, recognizing others' needs; honoring their feelings, and being responsive to the needs of others while ignoring my own needs has been a big problem for me growing up a child of an alcoholic.

There is a hidden downside to prioritizing giving over receiving; it has to do with interpersonal relating.  I find it difficult to receive love, caring and compliments.  I silently squirm inside when someone offers a kind word or a present.

Growing up in an alcoholic home I took on the role of the hero or responsible child.  And I'm just learning that this role is not all good.  My alcoholic father did not provide emotional support to the family, and my ACOA mother focused on that absence.  This left me to fend on my own.  I learned to handle life and all its realities.  But I don't think I learned to handle everything very well.

I think giving and doing for others provide me with the attention and recognition that I craved.  And I've been carrying that baggage all these years.  I think the next time offers me a compliment, gift, or even a hug I will be mindful of my feelings then allow myself accept it without feeling guilty or selfish.

Hi, I'm Liz Hawkins and I'm a recovering Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

Tears are good

I grew up in a household where crying was often viewed as a means of manipulation; to get what you want.  And it wasn’t going to work in our house. I learned to repress my tears of sadness especially when it came to relationship matters. 

As a young adult woman I eventually adopted the myth of the strong black woman and worked hard at holding a lot in.  I still tend to hold myself together during stressful situations; thereby holding onto toxins that are not good for me.

My husband recently suffered a stroke and for weeks now I have been in typical ACOA perfectionist wife mode; making sure he takes his medication, getting to all his doctor’s appointments, and being his advocate when it comes to work-related matters.  Then one day I heard Stevie Wonder’s song All I Do on the radio and a flood gate of tears opened up.  The lyrics ‘all I do is think about you’ triggered something.

At first I was worried.  “What in the world is wrong with me?” I asked myself.  But then I remembered that crying a cathartic release and have healing properties.  I’m glad to know my body knows how to heal itself when my head doesn’t.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I’m a recovering Adult Child of an Alcoholic.