I Have Faith

I am relying on my faith to sustain me and guide me.  Faith is my constant companion.  It leads me through passages of terrifying darkness and blinding light.  Growing up as a child of an alcoholic and then an adult child of an alcoholic, I let my vices be my friends.  But they were not true, they let me down.

I’m learning to lean on Jesus or should I say, I’m remembering to lean on him.  I’d forgotten somewhere along the way.  Now I let my faith lead me and it allows me to walk on a well-lit path, to strike out on my own and cut my way through the underbrush.

On this long journey of human life, faith is the best of companions and it is the greatest property.  I pray I never forget it again.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins, and I’m a recovering adult child of an alcoholic.

#ACoAAwareness

What lies just below the surface?

Karly Randolph Pitman, writer, teacher, and champion for healing wrote that, like an iceberg, what drives overeating lies below the surface.

Being an adult child of an alcoholic lends itself to a variety of issues.  I tend to be an avoider.  I avoid conflict and anything I deem as hard.  This causes me a great deal of anxiety and I tend to soothe myself with food.

In a nutshell: overeating is an attempt to feel safe and connected in the face of disconnection, overwhelm, pain and separation.  My emotional eating meets a need.  The challenge is to identify the need and change the fix to something more positive.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I’m a recovering Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

The Addictive Personality

While in the process of writing a novel about my father’s life, I often wondered how he became an alcoholic.  Although, alcohol is an addictive substance, people react differently to it.  Some people do not become addicted.  However, that doesn’t mean there is no risk of addiction associated with it.  The answer is that some people have addictive personalities, which make them more susceptible to addiction.

My father was born out of wedlock during an era in time where this was considered a great shame.  He was not acknowledged by his paternal side of the family.  And I believe the root of his alcoholism came from carrying that burden of shame his whole life.  I’m sure he felt unwanted and undeserving. 

He most likely turned to alcohol at an early age to deal with the troubles in his daily life.  This, in turn, negatively impacted his personal relationships and family life.  I used to get so mad at him for being a drunk.  But I now have a better understanding.  All I can do now is work hard to break the cycle of generational addiction that still plagues my family.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I’m a recovering Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

#ACoAAwareness

Prioritizing

For the last couple of years I’ve been running around like a chicken with my head cut off.  I worked full-time, went to school part-time, worked on my novel and wrote this blog.  Well, I finally received my undergraduate degree in communication and my novel is nearly complete. 

Now it’s important for me to get the down time that I need to reflect and recover.  But recovery can be exhausting, the emotional work I’m doing is indeed ‘work.’  I need to allow myself extra rest and quiet in order to process all that I’ve been through and still going through.

When I’m rested, the events of my life go more smoothly.  I’ll be less edgy and when the little things go wrong, I’ll have an easier time letting them roll off my back.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins, and I’m a recovering Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

www.innerlook.com

@TrinityUniv

#ACoAAwareness

Dealing With My Anger

As an adult child of an alcoholic I’m learning that I tend to hide my feelings, especially anger.  I supposed I learned early in life that a backlash came with expressing my anger.  I was made to feel that I had no right to be angry, so I learned it was best to hide my feelings.

When you hide your anger from yourself, you learn nothing from it and it leaks out in less than function ways.  Anger is a natural feeling and one I am willing to face so that I can get past it toward forgiveness. 

Experiencing my anger doesn’t mean I have to act it out or dump it all over my life.  Nor does it mean I give up my right to feel it.  I am learning that I can tolerate the strength of my angry feelings without acting out or collapsing under their weight.  Knowing that I have the strength to experience and articulate my own feelings builds confidence and strength within me.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I’m a recovering adult child of an alcoholic.

#myacoalife

www.innerlook.com

 

The Power of My Thoughts

I realize that I tend to produce in my life what I feel is true for myself.  My thoughts have a creative power of their own.  If I look closely, I can see my thoughts come to life.  I create the possibility of what I would like by first experiencing it in my mind.

Seven years ago, in my minds’ eye, I visualized myself earning my Bachelor of Art Degree and walking across the stage of a graduation ceremony.  My vision of my higher learning achievement finally came to fruition on January 6, 2017.

Growing up in a dysfunctional home, the youngest child of an alcoholic father and ACOA mother, I had little opportunity to dream of my own future.  My attention was always on others and not myself.  Now I have learned to accept what I see in my inner eye and fully participate in my own vision.  I will enjoy picturing my vision and let it manifest, if it is right for me, in God’s time.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins, and I’m an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

#ACoAAwareness

#myacoalife

www.innerlook.com

Unlocking My Unconscious Mind

I learned years ago in psychology class that the unconscious is the part of the mind that is inaccessible to the conscious mind but affects behavior and emotions.  For so long, I have been out of touch with my inner self.  I’ve been in 'adult child' mode for so long; operating from a vantage point of familiarity and not being open to new and better opportunities for my life.

I recently had a dream that I was pumping gasoline in the back seat of my car rather than in the fuel tank.  I thought this was such an odd dream that I was compelled to look up its meaning.  I learned that to dream of being at a gas station indicates a need to reenergize and revitalize yourself.  This interpretation was spot on.  I have been doing so much for others for so long that I have neglected my needs.  It’s time for me take care of myself.  As an ACOA, I’m learning that it’s okay to reach out to others for help sometimes. 

I always felt there were doors locked away deep within me that I could not open.  I am thankful that I am strong enough now to understand those things that are trapped in my unconscious mind.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I am a recovering Adult Child of an Alcoholic.