Facing the Fear

I met with my university advisor last week and verified that I need to take only four courses to be eligible to graduate.  This is exciting news for me.  This spring, I am enrolled in senior seminar in communication; a course developed to encourage students to review their study of communication from a variety of different perspectives.  The main requirement is to complete a major research project.  I immediately became afraid and intimidated by the class after one week.  Intimidated by the professor, by the course work, and by the other students.  I felt as if I were not ready to be in such an advanced course.

Some of the ACOA laundry list traits began to rear their ugly heads.  I remembered that the adult child sometimes feel isolated and afraid of people and authority figures; fear personal criticism, and tend to judge themselves harshly and have a low sense of self-esteem.  I was seriously thinking about withdrawing from the class; convincing myself that I’m in over my head.  I was starting the let my fears get the better of me.

However, in ACOA, we must remember that we are not alone.  Recovery is different than when we were children and had to face our feelings of fear, isolation, and despair alone.  We learn to “sit” with them without acting out. We can hug a pillow, lie on the floor or take a walk.  In my case, I meditated for awhile and came away with the renewed sense of self confidence.  I believe I can do anything I set my heart and mind to and not be afraid of the challenge.

The book of Acts, in the holy bible, chapter 18, verses 9 and 10, tells us “do not be afraid, keep on speaking, do not be silent!  For I am with you, and no one is going to attack and harm you.”

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins, and I’m an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

Empowerment in 2016

One of the things I vowed to work on in 2016 is my need for people pleasing.  Adult children tend to be approval seekers.  This is ironic in my case because when I do receive approval and praise for my outstanding work or abilities, I have a hard time believing it or accepting it.  But I also seem to have a need to be liked or a need to be needed. 

This is where my people pleasing trait kicks in.  I have a neighbor that can’t keep a job to save his life.  So I hire him during the summer to mow my lawn.  But it never fails - I’ll get a text message from him asking for an advance on his pay.  I’ll give it to him; and he’ll be in advance mode all summer.  When he got a job during the fall I was elated; however, he lost it just before Christmas.  Then the text messages started: “can you spare 20 bucks so I can get some groceries.”  I’ve said “I can’t spare it” so many times it’s not funny.  His most recent text was "can you spare 20 bucks so I can get my wife a birthday gift."  Really?  I didn't respond.  In fact, I blocked his number.  It's probably not the best way to handle the situation but at the time I just had to make it stop. 

My co-worker said I should be saying “I won’t” instead of "I can't."  There is a big difference.  “I can’t” implies that something is preventing me from doing so, that is, if it weren’t for the “something” I could and would spare the 20 bucks.  But “I won’t” says “no, I will not give the money,” which is more empowering.  I want empowerment in 2016.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins, and I’m an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

Self Empowerment

One of the things I vowed to work on in 2016 is my need for people pleasing.  Adult children tend to be approval seekers.  This is ironic in my case because when I do receive approval and praise for my outstanding work or abilities, I have a hard time believing it and accepting it.  But I also seem to have a need to be liked or a need to be needed. 

This is where my people pleasing trait kicks in.  I have a neighbor that can’t keep a job to save his life.  But I hire him during the summers to mow my lawn.  But it never fails - I’ll get a text asking for an advance on his pay.  I’ll give it to him; and he’ll be in advance mode all summer.  When he got a job during the fall I was elated; however, he lost it just before Christmas.  Then the text messages started again: “can you spare 20 bucks so I can get some groceries.”  I’ve said “I can’t spare it” so many times it’s not funny.  My co-worker said I should be saying “I won’t”.  There is a big difference.  “I can’t” implies that something is preventing me from doing so, that is, if it weren’t for the “something” I could and would spare the 20 bucks.  But “I won’t” straight up says “no, I will not give the money,” which is so empowering.  I want empowerment.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins, and I’m an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

Revelation from Reality Television

I watched the season premiere of the television reality program “The Biggest Loser” this week.  Season 17 began with former trainer, Bob Harper, now in the role of show host.  Contestants include a husband and wife team, two brothers, two best friends, etc.  I was moved by the parent and adult-child team of Rob Kidney and his daughter Sarah Gilbert.  After a challenge, Rob had a revelation. He realized that he has passed on his feelings of unworthiness to his daughter, after seeing her struggle through the workout. 

This got me thinking about my father, who was born out of wedlock during an era where illegitimacy carried a huge stigma.  All his life he bore the feelings of guilt and shame that his mother carried; always feeling that he was not good enough.  He turned to alcohol to dull the pain and to hide his shortcomings such as lack of social skills, self-esteem and self-confidence.  Some of this has been passed onto me as well.  A friend once told me that I do not know how to take a compliment.  The way I viewed compliments was : (1) the compliment is being given in an attempt to flatter to gain something from me or (2) the compliment is being said ‘just to be nice’.  However, I realize now that deep inside, I do not believe the complimentary words that are being said to me.  Recently, I turned in a chapter to my writing coach, for the book I'm writing about my father's life, for review.  She returned it to me with the comment ‘this chapter is absolutely excellent.’  I am happy, proud, and excited to receive this feedback, but there is still a small part of me that simply cannot believe it.  It's like it was just a fluke.  Another example is, I completed six courses at Trinity University last year and received the grade of ‘A’ in all six classes.  It was exactly what I set out to accomplish, yet I can’t believe I did it.  It’s like I’m waiting for the President of the university to discover that there was a mistake made and that I really didn’t accomplish this incredible achievement.

I guess I am learning that it is all right to be great; that I don’t have to wait for permission to be amazing.  I just am.  These are new and scary feelings for me.  I’m thankful I have ACOA to help me through all of this.  I am changing and I can’t wait to see the new and improved me.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I’m an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.