The Resiliency of the ACOA

Ambivalence is the experience of having an attitude toward someone or something that contains both positively and negatively valence components.  I was born into a home with an alcoholic father and an ACOA mother.  At a very young age, I learned just how important resiliency is and could be, whether I was aware of it or not.

I loved my father because he was my father; the male barometer by which all men entering my life would be measured.  However, I despised his drinking.  I hated the smell, his physical imbalance, and the lowered inhibitions, which gave him the courage to say and do inappropriate things that he otherwise would not if sober.

I was embarrassed by him.  Growing up, my life was riddled with fear, hurt, pain, guilt and confusion.  But just like my ACOA mother, I married a replica of my father; another alcoholic.  So as I did when I was a child, I try to rise above it.  I keep it locked away from the world as much as possible because I am ashamed. 

I am a smart, talented, educated woman.  I’m proud of all my accomplishments.  Yet, I have this one aspect of my life that prevents me from shining; this barometric replica of my father.  The love/hate ambivalence of an adult child is like an albatross around my neck; a psychological burden.  No answers today folks - just observations.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I’m an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.