The Devalue Effect

Self-awareness is the conscious knowledge of one's own character, feelings, motives, and desires. The process can be painful but it leads to greater self-awareness and growth.  For the past ten months or so, I have been questioning everything I thought I knew about myself and considered normal.

I just became aware that I have difficulty accepting praise or a simple compliment on, say for instance, my hair style or clothing.  Just the other day, a co-worker noticed my onyx cat necklace. When she said she liked the necklace, my response should have been simply thank you.  But instead I said it's just costume jewelry.  Why did I devalue the necklace?  It was so unnecessary to do so.

Looking back, I realized that I have also lessened my accomplishments.  Recently, I participated in my university's tradition of Cap and Gown Convocation.  This is when members of the senior class wear their caps and gowns for the first time and are officially recognized by the university as seniors. I attended this function alone; I invited no one, not wanting to inconvenience anyone.  How lame is that?

As important as this event was; a celebration of my achievement, on some level I don't believe I valued the accomplishment.  It's like I was telling myself, it's no big deal at this point; you should have completed your undergraduate studies years ago.  Thereby, diminishing the ceremony.

As I continue to grow and become more self-aware, I vow to value myself and remember that it's all right to put myself first and to be proud of myself.

Hi, I'm Liz Hawkins and I'm a recovering Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

The Silent Woman

The Strong Black Woman (SBW) label leaves no room for vulnerability; thereby no room for healing.  Over time, the SBW gets labeled as angry, which carries a negative connotation.  On her “Fix My Life” series, spiritual life coach, Iyanla Vanzant used the term Silent Women to described those black women who give more in a relationship than they received; trying to enhance someone else’s life.

After hearing this, I realized that I’ve been the Silent Woman many times in my relationships with men over the years.  It made me wonder if the reason stems from a longing to somehow make my father’s life better.  Perhaps at an early age I sensed his pain; the shame he carried for being born out-of-wedlock, and the abandonment he must have felt from his paternal family members’ failure to acknowledge him as one of their own. 

I was the best daughter I could be but it wasn’t enough to lift his spirits and give up the drinking.  So I became the SBW for every man in my life.  Now, I understand my burdens in life and know that it’s time to let go of past hurts and be free.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I’m a recovering Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

The Child of an ACOA

I was reading through a list of feeling words in my ACOA red book.  This is like the bible for ACOAs.  The definitions described where and how different feelings are felt in the body.  As a child of an alcoholic, I learned to dissociate from my feelings. 

The ACOA red book explains that as children and teens, we based our feelings on our parents’ mood and actions.  We were hyper-vigilant to a parent’s tone of voice, body language, and gestures.  After reading this, I realized that it wasn’t so much my alcoholic father that caused my hyper-vigilance, it was my ACOA mother. 

My mother’s father was a “fall down” drunk, as she called him, and she detested his drinking.  Her feelings of anger, shame, embarrassment, and humiliation extended when she married an alcoholic.  I always seemed to be in tune with what she was feeling, and reacted to those feelings.  Thereby, never really tapping into and understanding my own feelings.  So I denied the existence of my own feelings.  I supposed that’s why I have such difficulty identifying them.  I’m still in learning mode.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I’m a recovering Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

Mirror Image

A mirror image is a reflected duplication of an object that appears almost identical, but is reversed in the direction perpendicular to the mirror surface.  When I look at my reflection in the mirror, I realize that what is being reflected back on the surface is not really as it appears.

ACOAs tend to be perfectionist.  On the surface our lives may appear fine but scratch that same surface and wounds appear.  And anxiety and control issues are rampant.  Up to this point, I have been living my entire life in a state of denial; believing I’m in control and that everything is perfect.  It may seem perfect to others but that’s only because it’s the image I present.

I never wanted to look in the mirror and see my alcoholic father reflected back at me, so I vowed never to abuse drugs or alcohol.  Yet I find myself repeating substance abuse-like patterns with food, shopping and other compulsive behaviors.  Our mirror image, on the outside, reflects the image in the opposite; if only it could reflect the true image from the inside out.  I’m just musing today.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I’m a recovering Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

My Feelings and Me

I have trouble getting in touch with my feelings.  This is because I tend to ignore my feelings or deny that I have feelings.  I try to pretend that nothing bothers me or hurts me.  I don’t like feeling vulnerable, so I always have my armor on to protect and shield myself from hurtful feelings.

This is the way my ACOA mother taught me to be.  She said crying about something that hurts you or drinking your troubles away (a dig at my father) was a waste of time.  She viewed this as being weak and I was taught to be strong, independent, and to let things like emotions roll off my back like water on a duck's back.  She was full of little idioms like that.

Anyway, it’s no wonder I felt different growing up.  I felt like a square peg trying to fit into the round circle of life.  Truthfully, I still feel that way at times.  The good news is I’m aware and can actively work on changing.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I’m a recovering Adult Child of an Alcoholic.