The Triangulator

When I think back on my childhood and the choices I made in my life, feelings of anger, hurt and resentment bubble up inside me.  I feel like my life would have been much more exciting and fulfilled had my parents not imposed their own will on me.  I was good daughter and did what they said.  I figured their advice and direction was for my own good and in my best interest.  But now I’m left to wonder what if I’d followed my own heart and mind.

Dr. Robert Ackerman, in his book Perfect Daughters, describes what he calls the triangulator, the adult daughter that never deals with anyone or anything directly.  She blames others or outside reasons, and makes excuses when things don’t go as planned.  I was ready to reject this characteristic applying to myself until I read further.  Dr. Ackerman said that adult-daughter triangulators probably learned their behavior from their parents’ relationship.  The daughter may have been used as the focal point between the parents because they did not want to deal directly with each other.  This was exactly my family dynamic, or rather my family dysfunction.

The result of this for me has been deep seeded anger, hurt and resentment and I reacted by channeling my emotions into negative and self-destructive behaviors.  Within my own marriage, I can see that I am a poor communicator and can be quite passive-aggressive.  In order to recover, I must learn to: (1) accept responsibility for my behavior; (2) learn appropriate ways to handle or release anger; (3) learn how to communicate directly, and (4) learn alternative ways to handle stress.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins, and I’m an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

The Detacher

An Al-Anon blogger once posted that detachment is neither kind nor unkind.  It does not imply judgment or condemnation of the person or situation from which they are detaching.  Separating ourselves from the adverse effects of another persons’ alcoholism can be a means of detaching.  This does not necessarily require physical separation.  She said that detachment can help us look at our situation realistically and objectively.

If this blogger is suggesting that it’s all right to be a detacher, I disagree.  I certainly understand how an ACOA becomes a detacher.  Like me, they may not even realize that they are detaching.  It may have been developed as a coping mechanism from a very young age.  But knowledge is power.  And now that I can see my detacher characteristic for what it really is, I must vow to do better.

I find that when I am not willing to deal with anything or anyone that makes me uncomfortable, my first impulse is to leave.  This approach does not allow me the opportunity to work things out or find solutions.  The emotional motivation for the ACOA detacher is to avoid being hurt and trying to become non-feeling or emotionally numb.

I believed that by detaching, I was protecting myself.  I thought that if I didn’t detach, I would be vulnerable and not in control of my emotions.  The hard work begins with consciously trying to unlearn this coping mechanism that I have employed for so many years.  It’s time to face the uncomfortable situations of life head on.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins, and I’m an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

The Resiliency of the ACOA

Ambivalence is the experience of having an attitude toward someone or something that contains both positively and negatively valence components.  I was born into a home with an alcoholic father and an ACOA mother.  At a very young age, I learned just how important resiliency is and could be, whether I was aware of it or not.

I loved my father because he was my father; the male barometer by which all men entering my life would be measured.  However, I despised his drinking.  I hated the smell, his physical imbalance, and the lowered inhibitions, which gave him the courage to say and do inappropriate things that he otherwise would not if sober.

I was embarrassed by him.  Growing up, my life was riddled with fear, hurt, pain, guilt and confusion.  But just like my ACOA mother, I married a replica of my father; another alcoholic.  So as I did when I was a child, I try to rise above it.  I keep it locked away from the world as much as possible because I am ashamed. 

I am a smart, talented, educated woman.  I’m proud of all my accomplishments.  Yet, I have this one aspect of my life that prevents me from shining; this barometric replica of my father.  The love/hate ambivalence of an adult child is like an albatross around my neck; a psychological burden.  No answers today folks - just observations.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I’m an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

A struggle just to be me

As an adult child of an alcoholic, I learned the art of people pleasing early in life.  Unpredictability, mixed messages, and erratic displays of emotion were common experiences in my home.

As an adult, I often found myself attracted to or drawn to people who exhibited the kind of inconsistent behavior and moods that I encountered growing up.  I found it difficult to understand this behavior, and had to resort to guessing to figure out how to feel or express myself.  As a result, I have a hard time expressing honest emotions.

However, through learning about ACOA, going to meetings, and much prayer, I’m growing into the person I know I was always meant to be.  I sometimes joke that it’s a shame that I learned about the effects of being ACOC so late in life; but better late than never I supposed.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins, and I’m an adult child of an alcoholic.

Runaway Child

I tend to be a runner; in the metaphorical sense.  If in the literal sense, I would be a lot slimmer.  But seriously…I notice as soon as I become uncomfortable, nervous, or if something is not going perfectly, I get the urge to be someplace else, be it mentally or physically.

I know this is the ACOA in me.  I recognize it, but can’t always stop it or control it.  I was recently inducted into my university’s chapter of the National Communication Association Honor Society.  I was assigned to read about 230 words at the induction ceremony; more words than any of the other seven inductees.

I remember using my entertainment center as a make shift podium to practice my reading portion out loud.  Every time I messed up, I turned and left the room.  I practiced my section over and over throughout the day.  When I practiced in my bedroom seated at my computer and fumbled my lines, I would get up, go to the front door and look out. 

So I made another discovery about myself.  I already knew about my compulsive behavior to eat when I’m stressed.  Now I recognized my urge to escape when I’m feeling uncomfortable or unsure of myself; I literally try to walk or run away.  The knowledge is power but the ability to change is the challenge.  I’m still a work in progress.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins, and I’m an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

Self-Sabotage

For all that I have accomplished in the past year with school and writing my book, there are still aspects of my life that I have not improved.  One of my biggest challenges that I am currently facing is with my weight loss efforts.  I will lose ten pounds one month and before I know it, I have gained eleven pounds the following month.

It’s like I see myself going in the right direction then suddenly make a U-turn and travel back down the wrong road.  I am aware of what I’m doing, but for some reason I cannot stop it.  I spoke to my good friend and co-worker Dr. Nicole and she called it self-sabotage.

Self-sabotage is self-tale that communicates that we are no good; that we can’t do something, and that we can’t change.  Self-sabotage undermines our belief in ourselves and our motivation to change and grow.

I think because ACOAs tend to ignore our own needs due to the fact that our emotional needs continually take a back seat to our alcoholic parent, we make excuses and talk ourselves out of doing anything good for ourselves.

So it’s another eye-opening week for this ACOA.  I’m a work in progress.  I will continue to work on me because I’m worth it. 


Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins, and I’m an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

Embrace the Challenges of Life

In her book Inside Out, author Kimberly Daniels said that “when we attempt to go around things in life instead of going through them, we keep the same mind-set.  The result is that our mind-set stays un-renewed in the areas of life where we are being challenged.”

I am a classic avoider; I own that.  The problem is that I never realized how much this character trait hurt my development in school, at work, and in life.  I had the spirit of arrested development that denies any growth. 

Now I’m starting to put myself out there more and more each day.  I’m taking on more challenging duties at work.  I can no longer allow fear to rule my life and cause me to avoid new things.  I admit I’m still nervous but as it says in the book of 2^nd Corinthian 5:7, we walk by faith, not by sight.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I’m an Adult Child of and Alcoholic.