The Perfect Daughter

There’s a book that put on my list of “books to read” called Perfect Daughter by Robert Ackerman.  It’s said to be a pivotal book in the ACOA movement that identifies what differentiates the adult daughters of alcoholics from other women.  It’s also said to have so many good concepts in it that a few were capsulized in this poem by Kara Di Giovamma so we might better understand the long term effects on children - even into adulthood.

 “After a while you learn the subtle difference

Between holding a hand and chaining a soul.

 And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning

And company doesn’t mean security.

 And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts

And presents aren’t promises.

 And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head up and your eyes ahead

With the grace of a woman or man

Not with their grief of a child.

 And you learn to build your roads on today

Because tomorrows’ ground is too uncertain for plans

And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

And after a while you learn

That even sunshine burns if you ask too much.

 So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul

Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

 And you learn

That you really can endure

That you really are strong

And you really do have worth.

 And you learn…

And you learn…

With every failure

You learn.”

This is what it means to come out of a dysfunctional home and to try to change your own life.  I am reminded of the ACOA Serenity Prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I’m an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.