The Power of I AM

Joel Osteen, in his book The Power of I AM, says that whatever follows the words I AM will come looking for you.  So, when you go through the day saying: I am blessed; blessings pursue you.  I am talented; talent follows you.  I am healthy; health heads your way.  I am strong; strength tracks you down, and so on.

I thought about this and recognized how I end my blog post every week with: Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I’m an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.  From this day forward, I am modifying this statement to: Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I’m a recovering Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

Like anyone struggling with an addiction, recovery is a process of change through which an individual achieves abstinence and improved health, wellness, and quality of life.  To continue to categorize myself as simply an Adult Child of an Alcoholic implies that I accept it as a perpetual never changing part of my life.

While I do accept that being ACOA has shaped my life, I now understand my behavior and its root cause.  I do not, however, accept that I cannot change and grow; because I can, and I am changing and growing.

Although, the journey through denial, self-awareness, and personal growth continues to be challenging, I wouldn’t give anything for my journey thus far.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins, and I’m a recovering Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

Dead Man Walking

As I pen my memoir, I have been interviewing my family member for more insight into my father's character.  My mother, in her commentary, described my father as a dead man walking.  She didn’t elaborate further but later I surmised that my father was in a perpetual state of never-changing.  He often said that people basically don’t change.  I wonder if on some unconscious or subconscious lever he was referring to himself.

From the time of his birth outside of wedlock in the 1910s he was blatantly ignored by his paternal side of the family.  In fact, he did not even know his neighbors were actually family.  Because he was abandoned and ostracized by his paternal family, he grew up making choices that destroyed his family emotionally, including substance abuse.  He sought solace in the bottle and remained in that perpetual state, hiding himself from the world and self-medicating to relieve his pain, his entire life.

Thank God I am breaking the cycle; one day at a time.  Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I’m an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

Out of darkness

I stopped attending ACOA meetings after about two months.  I think I’m still in denial about my family dynamic.  In the meetings, I’d listen to everyone’s experience and think: I just don’t relate to their experiences. 

The ACOA trait that states:  ACOAs have stuffed their feelings from traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express their feelings because it hurts so much (Denial), resonates with me, although I still have trouble characterizing my childhood as traumatic.

Because my father wasn’t this raging alcoholic that terrorized the family with physical abuse, I could not relate to the stories I heard in the ACOA meetings.  But clinical research strongly suggests that the emotional and physical trauma that children of alcoholics endure does not go away.  In some cases the stored hurt creates a dissociative effect in adults.

The person appears to function normally in society, but the stored trauma is there, creating bodily ailments that can appear as depression, anxiety, hyperactivity, or laziness.  All my life I have suffered with all these traits at one time or another.

When my writing couch asked me about how my father’s drinking affected me, I was truly baffled.  I’ve not been affected at all, I quickly retorted.  Now I know that because I have been holding down or avoiding my feelings all my life, I have been living in state of perpetual denial.  It’s time to step out of the deep caves of darkness and into the light.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I’m an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

Intimacy Issues

Developing the skills necessary to establish positive emotional intimacy is the most critical developmental task for children of alcoholics.  Intimacy problems begin when people push you away and reject you.  The core of all intimacy problems is a fear that other people will abandon you.

Growing up, my family did not hug and kiss each other and there were no verbal expressions of love.  My father was born out of wedlock and rejected by his paternal side of the family.  My mother was a child of an alcoholic parent.  Between the two, neither of my parents developed the skills needed to express emotional closeness.

I grew up being emotionally isolated from my own feelings and from people around me.  As an adult, I confused intimacy with something else.  For example, for years in my relationships with men, I constantly gave too much in hopes of receiving something in return.  Instead of the intimacy I sought, I just got taken for granted.  Robin Norwood points this problem out repeatedly in her book Women Who Love Too Much (1985).

I am thankful for this knowledge.  It keeps me from continuing on the emotionless track that I traveled for years.  I must say knowledge is very freeing.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I’m an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

Self-Sabotage II

I continue to struggle with my weight loss efforts.  I make progress but then I’ll binge on sweets or salty snacks.  I wondered what was behind my self-sabotaging.  On some deeper level do I believe that I don’t deserve a thin body and happiness? 

In a strange way, carrying the extra weight may be much more inside my comfort zone.  As unhappy as I am with the being overweight, I already know what to expect in life – things are familiar and predictable.

These are beliefs that I either learned from others or created for myself.  However, I must learn that I don’t have to carry these beliefs any further.  Changing these beliefs will require some deep reflection and earnest effort.  But any negative beliefs I have about myself, my body or my worthiness as a person can be changed.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I’m an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

The Triangulator

When I think back on my childhood and the choices I made in my life, feelings of anger, hurt and resentment bubble up inside me.  I feel like my life would have been much more exciting and fulfilled had my parents not imposed their own will on me.  I was good daughter and did what they said.  I figured their advice and direction was for my own good and in my best interest.  But now I’m left to wonder what if I’d followed my own heart and mind.

Dr. Robert Ackerman, in his book Perfect Daughters, describes what he calls the triangulator, the adult daughter that never deals with anyone or anything directly.  She blames others or outside reasons, and makes excuses when things don’t go as planned.  I was ready to reject this characteristic applying to myself until I read further.  Dr. Ackerman said that adult-daughter triangulators probably learned their behavior from their parents’ relationship.  The daughter may have been used as the focal point between the parents because they did not want to deal directly with each other.  This was exactly my family dynamic, or rather my family dysfunction.

The result of this for me has been deep seeded anger, hurt and resentment and I reacted by channeling my emotions into negative and self-destructive behaviors.  Within my own marriage, I can see that I am a poor communicator and can be quite passive-aggressive.  In order to recover, I must learn to: (1) accept responsibility for my behavior; (2) learn appropriate ways to handle or release anger; (3) learn how to communicate directly, and (4) learn alternative ways to handle stress.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins, and I’m an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

The Detacher

An Al-Anon blogger once posted that detachment is neither kind nor unkind.  It does not imply judgment or condemnation of the person or situation from which they are detaching.  Separating ourselves from the adverse effects of another persons’ alcoholism can be a means of detaching.  This does not necessarily require physical separation.  She said that detachment can help us look at our situation realistically and objectively.

If this blogger is suggesting that it’s all right to be a detacher, I disagree.  I certainly understand how an ACOA becomes a detacher.  Like me, they may not even realize that they are detaching.  It may have been developed as a coping mechanism from a very young age.  But knowledge is power.  And now that I can see my detacher characteristic for what it really is, I must vow to do better.

I find that when I am not willing to deal with anything or anyone that makes me uncomfortable, my first impulse is to leave.  This approach does not allow me the opportunity to work things out or find solutions.  The emotional motivation for the ACOA detacher is to avoid being hurt and trying to become non-feeling or emotionally numb.

I believed that by detaching, I was protecting myself.  I thought that if I didn’t detach, I would be vulnerable and not in control of my emotions.  The hard work begins with consciously trying to unlearn this coping mechanism that I have employed for so many years.  It’s time to face the uncomfortable situations of life head on.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins, and I’m an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.