I always thought axioms like
“Walking a Mile for Peace” and “Avoid Conflict at all Cost” were good words to
live by. Now I understand that as an
ACOA it’s simply my go-to approach to conflict.
Conflicts are inevitable. Conflict is part of all relationships between individuals who live and work together. But ACOAs have a fear of people who are in
authority, people who are angry, and we don’t take personal criticism very
well. We also tend to misinterpret
assertiveness for anger. So we are
constantly seeking approval of others; sometimes losing our identities in the
process. I have definitely been guilty
of going along to get along and people pleasing. I don’t like the back and forth people go
through trying to get their point across or trying to get their own way. Aggressive people do, at times, intimate me. Although not the alcoholic in the family, growing up my
mother was very aggressive and I could never win an argument with her to save my
life. She would have a hundred reasons for
why I couldn't do something or go someplace.
I learned only ask for things that I knew fit her specifications. Consequently, I spent a great deal of my youth
in a self-imposed isolation.
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