Like Father, Like Daughter

I grew up with an alcoholic father whom I both loved and hated at the same time. I loved the man, but hated the alcoholism. He could not really function without having a drink. An introvert by nature and suffering with low self-esteem, my father drank to ease his anxiety and hide his insecurities. With lower inhibitions, he could be more relaxed; especially in social situations. The drink also gave him courage to stand up for himself; even if it meant getting into arguments and saying hurtful things.


I loathed his drinking and the person he became when drunk. I promised myself that I would never be a drunk. But am I really any different? Taking a deep look inside, I find that I too am introverted, uncomfortable in most social situations, and suffered with low self-esteem for many years. But instead of turning to booze, I use food. When I'm anxious, I eat. The primary culprits are cookies and potato chips, which floods my brain with dopamine and makes me happy.


Just as junk food leads to powerful cravings, so does alcohol. This is what happened to my father. I'm now sorry for judging him so harshly. Addiction is a disease, for which professional help is needed to overcome.


Hi, I'm Liz Hawkins and I'm an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

Wanting Change

Part of my journey as a recovering ACOA is trying to become more transparent.  This isn’t easily.  Growing up under a cloud of shame and pain caused my heart to become hard as a child.  I pretended my father was not an embarrassing ‘fall down’ drunk.  I did this by ignoring him as much as possible.  And to the outside world, I pretended that my family life was ‘normal’.  This façade followed me into adulthood and became a metaphorical mask that I have wore for decades.

I now trying to live my life with an unveiled face.  This process is hard because it requires me to be exposed; not pretending, not acting like I’ve got it all together, not watering down where I have been, or like it was no big deal.  Although I want to change, I still struggle in many areas in my life.  But through prayer I know I will be victorious.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I’m a recovering Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

#ACoAAwareness

@TrinityUniv

I Am My Own Best Friend

Adult Children of Alcoholics tend to cater to needs of others rather themselves.  It began in childhood when we always had to care for our alcoholic parent.  For me it was my father who was the alcoholic.  I worried about him when he was drunk. Would he heat up food on the stove then pass out at the kitchen table leaving the food to burn - even worst burn down the house.  Things like this were real concerns for me and caused me great anxiety.

I’m ready to focus on myself - do special things just for me.  Giving to others and withholding from myself doesn’t work for me anymore. Today I affirm that I will encourage, support and congratulate myself.  Put myself first for a change and be my own best cheerleader.  

Unlearning the old habits from my past will require real effort on my part but I’m up for the task. 

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I’m a recovering Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

#ACoAAwareness

#Innerlook

Discovering my true self

According to Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist, the most abstract human need is self-actualization.  Maslow defined self-actualization as fully developing and using our unique “talents, capacities, and potentialities.”  To achieve this, we need to refine the talents that we have already developed to some degree, while we also cultivate new potentials in ourselves. 

It took me a very long time before I began to enter into self-actualization.  Growing up in a dysfunction home with an alcoholic father and ACOA mother stunted my emotional growth.  I was always tended to the needs of my parents and others – never putting myself and my needs first. 

Thankfully, through knowledge and understanding about what it means to be an ACOA I am finally on my way to discovering who I was always meant to be.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I’m a recovering adult child of an alcoholic.

#ACoAAwareness

#InterpersonalCommunication

Choosing My Attitude

My work environment is extremely tense.  There are few people employed to do all the work that is required.  My co-worker came to me upset about some things and I just took it all in stride.  She wanted to know why I was so calm.  I simply realized that I can only do so much, and if I know I’m doing the very best that I can that’s all that matters.

As an ACOA, I’m prone to become anxious or depressed when things get out of control.  But I’ve learned that I have the power to choose my own attitude no matter what the circumstances.  My ability to choose the attitude I will take puts something into my hand that can change the way I experience my own life.

Today, I experience a rare serenity: the state of being calm, peaceful, and untroubled.  And I remember the serenity prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I’m a recovering Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

#ACoAAwareness

Understanding the past to change the future

As an ACOA, denial has been a major part of my life.  I have always been uncomfortable with change and made concerted efforts to leave the past in the past.


Unfortunately, these methods have not served me well over the years.  Because I didn’t recognize or admit that my father’s alcoholism had any effect on me, I fell into the common trap of seeking a partner just like my father.  The definition of insanity is doing the same thing expecting a different outcome.  When I look back on my ‘insanity’ years, I shudder. 


However, there is no sense beating myself up over my past mistakes.  The past cannot be changed.  However, the past must be studied and understood so that the same poor choices are not repeated.  So now instead of trying to put the past behind me I learn from it so I can change my future.


Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins, and I’m a recovering Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

With God's Help I can Overcome

After years of denial, I finally came to terms with the fact that my father was indeed an alcoholic.  This means he had an addiction, another term that I never before acknowledged applied to him until recently. 

I have also learned that consuming alcohol is not the only substance that one can be addicted to.  I now acknowledge that I too have an addiction.  I am addicted to sugary and salty snacks.  As we enter the season of Lent I decided to give up candy and chips, two of my favorite things.  It’s only been a day and I’m already struggling.

I am thankful to have my spirituality as a helpful component in dealing with my addiction.  And with God’s help I can overcome it.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I’m an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

#ACoAAwareness

Breathing out the anxiety

One problem that adult children of alcoholics (ACOA) have is that we fear failure, but sabotage our successes.  It’s such a contradiction but I find that it’s true in my case.  Someone recently told me that I was a complicated and fascinating person.  Although the word ‘fascinating’ sounded flattering, I questioned it.  What’s so fascinating about me?  I thought.

Instead of taking the observation as a compliment I focused on the word ‘complicated’ and it made me feel anxious.  Because ACOAs struggle with what is normal, the statement sent me into a tailspin about about my ongoing quest for perfection.  I know, trying to be perfect is ridiculous but it’s just one of those annoying ACOA traits.

I’m learning to let myself feel good and work toward increasing good in my life.  My state of mind and mood are my responsibility.  I can breathe out the negative and anxiety that are in me and breathe in peace and serenity.  I’m learning to give myself a break and taking one day at a time.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I’m a recovering Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

#ACoAAwareness

www.innerlook.com

I Have Faith

I am relying on my faith to sustain me and guide me.  Faith is my constant companion.  It leads me through passages of terrifying darkness and blinding light.  Growing up as a child of an alcoholic and then an adult child of an alcoholic, I let my vices be my friends.  But they were not true, they let me down.

I’m learning to lean on Jesus or should I say, I’m remembering to lean on him.  I’d forgotten somewhere along the way.  Now I let my faith lead me and it allows me to walk on a well-lit path, to strike out on my own and cut my way through the underbrush.

On this long journey of human life, faith is the best of companions and it is the greatest property.  I pray I never forget it again.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins, and I’m a recovering adult child of an alcoholic.

#ACoAAwareness

What lies just below the surface?

Karly Randolph Pitman, writer, teacher, and champion for healing wrote that, like an iceberg, what drives overeating lies below the surface.

Being an adult child of an alcoholic lends itself to a variety of issues.  I tend to be an avoider.  I avoid conflict and anything I deem as hard.  This causes me a great deal of anxiety and I tend to soothe myself with food.

In a nutshell: overeating is an attempt to feel safe and connected in the face of disconnection, overwhelm, pain and separation.  My emotional eating meets a need.  The challenge is to identify the need and change the fix to something more positive.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I’m a recovering Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

The Addictive Personality

While in the process of writing a novel about my father’s life, I often wondered how he became an alcoholic.  Although, alcohol is an addictive substance, people react differently to it.  Some people do not become addicted.  However, that doesn’t mean there is no risk of addiction associated with it.  The answer is that some people have addictive personalities, which make them more susceptible to addiction.

My father was born out of wedlock during an era in time where this was considered a great shame.  He was not acknowledged by his paternal side of the family.  And I believe the root of his alcoholism came from carrying that burden of shame his whole life.  I’m sure he felt unwanted and undeserving. 

He most likely turned to alcohol at an early age to deal with the troubles in his daily life.  This, in turn, negatively impacted his personal relationships and family life.  I used to get so mad at him for being a drunk.  But I now have a better understanding.  All I can do now is work hard to break the cycle of generational addiction that still plagues my family.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I’m a recovering Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

#ACoAAwareness

Prioritizing

For the last couple of years I’ve been running around like a chicken with my head cut off.  I worked full-time, went to school part-time, worked on my novel and wrote this blog.  Well, I finally received my undergraduate degree in communication and my novel is nearly complete. 

Now it’s important for me to get the down time that I need to reflect and recover.  But recovery can be exhausting, the emotional work I’m doing is indeed ‘work.’  I need to allow myself extra rest and quiet in order to process all that I’ve been through and still going through.

When I’m rested, the events of my life go more smoothly.  I’ll be less edgy and when the little things go wrong, I’ll have an easier time letting them roll off my back.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins, and I’m a recovering Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

www.innerlook.com

@TrinityUniv

#ACoAAwareness

Dealing With My Anger

As an adult child of an alcoholic I’m learning that I tend to hide my feelings, especially anger.  I supposed I learned early in life that a backlash came with expressing my anger.  I was made to feel that I had no right to be angry, so I learned it was best to hide my feelings.

When you hide your anger from yourself, you learn nothing from it and it leaks out in less than function ways.  Anger is a natural feeling and one I am willing to face so that I can get past it toward forgiveness. 

Experiencing my anger doesn’t mean I have to act it out or dump it all over my life.  Nor does it mean I give up my right to feel it.  I am learning that I can tolerate the strength of my angry feelings without acting out or collapsing under their weight.  Knowing that I have the strength to experience and articulate my own feelings builds confidence and strength within me.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I’m a recovering adult child of an alcoholic.

#myacoalife

www.innerlook.com

 

The Power of My Thoughts

I realize that I tend to produce in my life what I feel is true for myself.  My thoughts have a creative power of their own.  If I look closely, I can see my thoughts come to life.  I create the possibility of what I would like by first experiencing it in my mind.

Seven years ago, in my minds’ eye, I visualized myself earning my Bachelor of Art Degree and walking across the stage of a graduation ceremony.  My vision of my higher learning achievement finally came to fruition on January 6, 2017.

Growing up in a dysfunctional home, the youngest child of an alcoholic father and ACOA mother, I had little opportunity to dream of my own future.  My attention was always on others and not myself.  Now I have learned to accept what I see in my inner eye and fully participate in my own vision.  I will enjoy picturing my vision and let it manifest, if it is right for me, in God’s time.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins, and I’m an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

#ACoAAwareness

#myacoalife

www.innerlook.com

Unlocking My Unconscious Mind

I learned years ago in psychology class that the unconscious is the part of the mind that is inaccessible to the conscious mind but affects behavior and emotions.  For so long, I have been out of touch with my inner self.  I’ve been in 'adult child' mode for so long; operating from a vantage point of familiarity and not being open to new and better opportunities for my life.

I recently had a dream that I was pumping gasoline in the back seat of my car rather than in the fuel tank.  I thought this was such an odd dream that I was compelled to look up its meaning.  I learned that to dream of being at a gas station indicates a need to reenergize and revitalize yourself.  This interpretation was spot on.  I have been doing so much for others for so long that I have neglected my needs.  It’s time for me take care of myself.  As an ACOA, I’m learning that it’s okay to reach out to others for help sometimes. 

I always felt there were doors locked away deep within me that I could not open.  I am thankful that I am strong enough now to understand those things that are trapped in my unconscious mind.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I am a recovering Adult Child of an Alcoholic.