Sink or Swim

One Friday afternoon, my director called me into his office to tell me that he is moving me from my current position in Quality Assurance to a job I previously held in the organization ten years ago in Policy and Compliance.

I was unwilling to make the move but he insisted that he needed me to do this because Policy and Compliance desperately needed help.  So I'm their savior, I thought; that cannot be possible.  I stressed about this the entire weekend.  The following week, I met with the new supervisor, then returned to my director asking him to reconsider the decision.  He insisted that Policy and Compliance needed my help and was confident that I could make a difference.

After a few days of pondering the situation, I had an epiphany.  The words sink or swim popped into my mind.  Then I remembered a story my husband told me about how he nearly drown in a pool until he had the presence of mind to relax his body.  It was only then did he float to the top.  I applied this theory to my situation.

I told myself: as long as you're struggling, you will continue to go down.  Stop struggling and just relax and you will find yourself floating to the top.  I had to remind myself about all the courses at Trinity University that I stressed over and in the end earned an 'A' in the course.  I also reminded myself about how much I agonized over completing chapters for my book and submitting to my writing coach on time and succeeding each time.

The key thing for me to remember is to simply stop struggling.  Past events have shown me that there is no need to do so because in the end, I'm going to float to the top and succeed.

Hi, I'm Liz Hawkins and I'm an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

Me Phobia

Me Phobia is what author Karen Blaker, identifies in her book, Born to Please, as the fear of being yourself.  She asked, “Do you often feel that you are an emotional imposter?  Are you afraid of revealing the true you?”  The answer for me is a resounding ‘yes.’

I sometimes feel that I'm just going through the motions of life.  I’m moving forward with the things I told myself that I was determine to do; finish my university studies, complete my book, travel the world.  Yet, while moving forward I feel apprehension.  What should feel like a great sense of achievement often feels like a chore for me.

Blaker says that that me phobia is a fear of getting to know yourself.  After all, what if you don’t like what you find?  This is proving to be true for me as a write my father’s story.  The sections of the book that pertain to me are revealing aspects of my character and personality that I do not fully understand.  But the good news is that, although I fear these unknown aspects, I feel brave enough to face them.  It’s all a part of the process of growing.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins, and I’m an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

Just relax and have some fun

One of the traits attributed to being an Adult Children of an Alcoholic (ACOA) is that we tend to have difficulty having fun.  One ACOA said that she felt that she doesn’t deserve to have fun.  Well I’m not sure that I feel that way but I can get pretty darn preoccupied with my to do list that I feel I don’t have time to have fun.


Just last week my friends begged me to come see a play with them.  I was reluctant to go because I had so much to do that weekend.  I had to finalize my research paper for my communication course and submit it online; I had to wash clothes, and I had to pick up my mom’s prescription medicine.  I wish I hadn’t accepted this invitation, I thought to myself.

Well, it turned out that I had a wonderful time with my friends, the seats were excellent, and the play was great.  I was able to do the laundry in the morning before the play, submit my research paper online after the play and pick up my mom’s medicine the next day.  So I could have fun and the world didn’t come to an end.  I just have to keep telling myself that it's all right to relax, be myself, and enjoy my life.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins, and I’m an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

Acceptance and Approval

I’m in my pondering mode again.  I've been reading a book called The Perfect Daughter by Dr. Robert Ackerman; it’s an ACOA book.  Under the section entitled Collecting Emotional Baggage, Dr. Ackerman says that many adult daughters express a need for their fathers’ acceptance and approval. 

My father died when I was 21 years old but I have been searching my mind to try to remember if I felt that my father approved of my choices.  I think that I was so busy trying to do all the things that I knew would please him that I never really ventured out on my own; down my own path.

As a student at Trinity University, my professor this semester put a picture of a road on the overhead projector.  The road looked rough and was filled with potholes.  The trees lining the road were tall and green with the sun peeking through the leaves.  Just around the bend was dense underbrush that it looked almost impenetrable.

When the professor asked what our interpretation of the picture was, I recall focusing on bumpy road and that thick underbrush.  I thought the picture represented me somehow.  I felt that I wouldn’t want to take that road, it looked too hard.  What if I couldn’t make it through? 

I always wanted to do the things that came easy for me; never wanted a challenge.  I always followed the path my parents wanted me to take; ensuring approval.  These days I am venturing down those scary and uncomfortable roads.  I am always surprised when I accomplish such massive feats; well at least massive in my mind.  And when I get approval, acceptance and praise from professors, employers, and peers I almost don’t believe it.  That’s an ACOA trait that I'm learning to overcome; being able to accept praise.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins, and I’m an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

Shifting Gears

ACOAs and those who love us can shift the patterns that have been created in our relationships. Here are some strategies that I am trying to incorporate in my everyday life:

Focus on self-care: Self-care is a way of taking responsibility for your own needs. While you focus on activities that assist in your growth, you will be less tempted to rescue others. Figure out which activities and people can help you when you are overwhelmed and in need of empowerment.

Communicate authentically: Try to be aware of when you are trying to control or manipulate a situation, because if you are, then you are not speaking your ultimate truth. If you feel numb, disconnected, or confused, attempt to gain clarity before communicating by writing down your thoughts and feelings.

Have conversations after releasing emotions: Acknowledging, feeling, and releasing your emotions will help you to clearly express your feelings first before sharing them. After doing this, you will be able choose your words more carefully, which will make them more powerful and meaningful.

Say what you mean, even when it’s hard: Be careful of committing to things you don’t want to do, or saying what you think others want to hear. The more you say the kinds of things that are difficult for you, the easier it will become. To gain confidence, start by opening up to people that you think will be supportive, and work your way up to speaking truthfully when it’s more difficult.

Set healthy boundaries: Communicate to your partner what kind of behavior you will and will not tolerate, and what you plan to do if they do not respect your boundaries. This can be difficult to do, and it requires self-awareness and practice.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I’m an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.