Stop Beating Myself Up

One of my favorite songs is called Don’t Let Me Get Me by Pink.  The first line in the chorus: Don’t let me get me.  I’m my own worst enemy, really speaks to me.  I feel like I get in my own way because of lack of faith in myself. 

I spend more time regretting things that I’ve done or decisions I’ve made because I don’t seem to trust myself or trust my instincts.  For example, back in March I was signed up for a Media Ethics course at Trinity University.  The class description looked tedious and talked myself out of taking the class; so I dropped it.  I’ll take my final two courses in the fall, I rationalized.  I was signed up for economics and another course when in August the University informed me that I was not required to take the economics class.  I could have kicked myself.  If I’d only taken that Media Ethics class in March, I would have been finished taking all my required courses for graduation.

Author Peter Shallard wrote, if you beat yourself up, or if you think you’re not doing good-enough, or if you constantly feel like you’ve got under-utilized potential then you don’t trust yourself.  It’s true.  I seem to be terrified to allow myself to feel good.  Shallard says that we are afraid that if we do feel good, our motivational drive will disappear.  We don’t trust we will still want to create, give or grow.

The challenge for me is to find a way to break the self-perpetuating cycle that I’ve created of stress and anxiety to ensure I never get to the happy place.  That way I can finally stop beating myself up; give myself a break and be happy.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I’m a recovering Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

#myacoalife

#generationaladdictions

The Neutral Character

I used to think that being a neutral person was a good thing.  It seemed to keep me on the path of non-resistance, where I felt safe.  And it helped me to avoid conflict, which I detest.  When I became a writer I found that the 'neutral character' did not seem to be a good idea.  This character doesn’t feel strongly one way or the other when it comes to good versus evil or law versus chaos. 

Growing up in an alcoholic home, one of my first successful coping mechanisms was isolation.  I could play by myself for hours; engrossed in my own perfect make believe world.  As a recovery ACOA I’m learning that neutrality hinder growth and isolation is both a sanctuary and a prison.  As a result, I now sometimes find myself suspended between fight or flight; agonizing in the middle, and resolving the tension by explosive bursts of rebellion or by silently enduring the despair.

Moving from neutrality and isolation is the first step an Adult Child must make in recovery.  They have been my security blanket for so long that I am finding it difficult to release.  But I am changing with God's help.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins, and I’m a recovering Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

#myacoalife
#generationaladdictions

Receiving is harder than giving

I grew up hearing idioms such as: it's better to give than to receive.  I supposed the reason for this was to safeguard me from becoming a selfish, self-centered person.  However, recognizing others' needs; honoring their feelings, and being responsive to the needs of others while ignoring my own needs has been a big problem for me growing up a child of an alcoholic.

There is a hidden downside to prioritizing giving over receiving; it has to do with interpersonal relating.  I find it difficult to receive love, caring and compliments.  I silently squirm inside when someone offers a kind word or a present.

Growing up in an alcoholic home I took on the role of the hero or responsible child.  And I'm just learning that this role is not all good.  My alcoholic father did not provide emotional support to the family, and my ACOA mother focused on that absence.  This left me to fend on my own.  I learned to handle life and all its realities.  But I don't think I learned to handle everything very well.

I think giving and doing for others provide me with the attention and recognition that I craved.  And I've been carrying that baggage all these years.  I think the next time offers me a compliment, gift, or even a hug I will be mindful of my feelings then allow myself accept it without feeling guilty or selfish.

Hi, I'm Liz Hawkins and I'm a recovering Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

Tears are good

I grew up in a household where crying was often viewed as a means of manipulation; to get what you want.  And it wasn’t going to work in our house. I learned to repress my tears of sadness especially when it came to relationship matters. 

As a young adult woman I eventually adopted the myth of the strong black woman and worked hard at holding a lot in.  I still tend to hold myself together during stressful situations; thereby holding onto toxins that are not good for me.

My husband recently suffered a stroke and for weeks now I have been in typical ACOA perfectionist wife mode; making sure he takes his medication, getting to all his doctor’s appointments, and being his advocate when it comes to work-related matters.  Then one day I heard Stevie Wonder’s song All I Do on the radio and a flood gate of tears opened up.  The lyrics ‘all I do is think about you’ triggered something.

At first I was worried.  “What in the world is wrong with me?” I asked myself.  But then I remembered that crying a cathartic release and have healing properties.  I’m glad to know my body knows how to heal itself when my head doesn’t.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I’m a recovering Adult Child of an Alcoholic.