Revelation from Reality Television

I watched the season premiere of the television reality program “The Biggest Loser” this week.  Season 17 began with former trainer, Bob Harper, now in the role of show host.  Contestants include a husband and wife team, two brothers, two best friends, etc.  I was moved by the parent and adult-child team of Rob Kidney and his daughter Sarah Gilbert.  After a challenge, Rob had a revelation. He realized that he has passed on his feelings of unworthiness to his daughter, after seeing her struggle through the workout. 

This got me thinking about my father, who was born out of wedlock during an era where illegitimacy carried a huge stigma.  All his life he bore the feelings of guilt and shame that his mother carried; always feeling that he was not good enough.  He turned to alcohol to dull the pain and to hide his shortcomings such as lack of social skills, self-esteem and self-confidence.  Some of this has been passed onto me as well.  A friend once told me that I do not know how to take a compliment.  The way I viewed compliments was : (1) the compliment is being given in an attempt to flatter to gain something from me or (2) the compliment is being said ‘just to be nice’.  However, I realize now that deep inside, I do not believe the complimentary words that are being said to me.  Recently, I turned in a chapter to my writing coach, for the book I'm writing about my father's life, for review.  She returned it to me with the comment ‘this chapter is absolutely excellent.’  I am happy, proud, and excited to receive this feedback, but there is still a small part of me that simply cannot believe it.  It's like it was just a fluke.  Another example is, I completed six courses at Trinity University last year and received the grade of ‘A’ in all six classes.  It was exactly what I set out to accomplish, yet I can’t believe I did it.  It’s like I’m waiting for the President of the university to discover that there was a mistake made and that I really didn’t accomplish this incredible achievement.

I guess I am learning that it is all right to be great; that I don’t have to wait for permission to be amazing.  I just am.  These are new and scary feelings for me.  I’m thankful I have ACOA to help me through all of this.  I am changing and I can’t wait to see the new and improved me.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I’m an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.