The Child of an ACOA

I was reading through a list of feeling words in my ACOA red book.  This is like the bible for ACOAs.  The definitions described where and how different feelings are felt in the body.  As a child of an alcoholic, I learned to dissociate from my feelings. 

The ACOA red book explains that as children and teens, we based our feelings on our parents’ mood and actions.  We were hyper-vigilant to a parent’s tone of voice, body language, and gestures.  After reading this, I realized that it wasn’t so much my alcoholic father that caused my hyper-vigilance, it was my ACOA mother. 

My mother’s father was a “fall down” drunk, as she called him, and she detested his drinking.  Her feelings of anger, shame, embarrassment, and humiliation extended when she married an alcoholic.  I always seemed to be in tune with what she was feeling, and reacted to those feelings.  Thereby, never really tapping into and understanding my own feelings.  So I denied the existence of my own feelings.  I supposed that’s why I have such difficulty identifying them.  I’m still in learning mode.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I’m a recovering Adult Child of an Alcoholic.