The Triangulator

When I think back on my childhood and the choices I made in my life, feelings of anger, hurt and resentment bubble up inside me.  I feel like my life would have been much more exciting and fulfilled had my parents not imposed their own will on me.  I was good daughter and did what they said.  I figured their advice and direction was for my own good and in my best interest.  But now I’m left to wonder what if I’d followed my own heart and mind.

Dr. Robert Ackerman, in his book Perfect Daughters, describes what he calls the triangulator, the adult daughter that never deals with anyone or anything directly.  She blames others or outside reasons, and makes excuses when things don’t go as planned.  I was ready to reject this characteristic applying to myself until I read further.  Dr. Ackerman said that adult-daughter triangulators probably learned their behavior from their parents’ relationship.  The daughter may have been used as the focal point between the parents because they did not want to deal directly with each other.  This was exactly my family dynamic, or rather my family dysfunction.

The result of this for me has been deep seeded anger, hurt and resentment and I reacted by channeling my emotions into negative and self-destructive behaviors.  Within my own marriage, I can see that I am a poor communicator and can be quite passive-aggressive.  In order to recover, I must learn to: (1) accept responsibility for my behavior; (2) learn appropriate ways to handle or release anger; (3) learn how to communicate directly, and (4) learn alternative ways to handle stress.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins, and I’m an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.